Introduction
Sometimes when we’re bored, we pull out a note book and start writing. After a few sentances; it’s handed off to the next person and so on. Eventually, it becomes a story. These are some of the better ones. Enjoy!
Back to Kid-Made.
The Story of an Hermaphrodite
Once there was an hermaphrodite that called himself Jim-Sally because he couldn’t be called a normal name. In case you don’t know already, an hermaphrodite is a disco plant.* Most hermaphrodites like to wear their leaves in an afro. Like most hermaphrodites, Jim-Sally was almost never wrong. This, though, got him into big trouble once. This is that story.
According to Oxford American Dictionaries, an hermaphrodite is, a person or animal having both male and female sex organs or other sexual characteristics, either abnormally or [...] as the natural condition.
When Jim-Sally was just a little hermaphrodite, he ate a chicken. His friend Bobbio had told him not to, because it supposedly was an evil chicken that would make him loopy. But since Bobbio was one of those rare hermaphrodites that was almost always wrong, Jim-Sally didn’t believe him and ate the evil chicken. That’s where his troubles began...
He immediately started flailing around and gagging; then he fell on Bobbio. The two of them rolled down a cliff into a rabbit’s den. But this wasn’t any ordinary rabbit. No, he was the ultra-evil rabbit by the name of Bunny FuFu.
It was pitch-dark; all they could hear was the sound of a snoring rabbit. They slowly crept past the rabbit, but one of them stepped on a twig. Bunny FuFu opened his eyes and immediately picked both hermaphrodites up; then he bopped them on the head.
And before any of them could do anything else, down came the Good Fairy. and she said, Little Bunny Fufu, I am gonna eat you—
But before she could finish her sentence, FuFu had bopped her on the head.
Moral: Could’ve had a V-8 instead.
—Josiah Hutchinson, Brian Zick
Spike & the Farmer
Once there was a pointy chicken named Spike. He slept on the bottom bunk in the hen house. This was a real problem for him, because every time he stood up his point stuck in the wood; the farmer couldn’t figure out why there were so many holes in it. The other chickens made fun of our hero’s point.
Eventually he decided to run away. He had hatched many plans, but none of them worked. What should he do? He needs help, kids! Tell us what he should do. Oh? I think that’s a great idea..
Spike hosted a disco party. Spike held the party in one of the hen houses and played as the DJ by mixing records with his point. When all of the other chickens were groggy from all of the tequila they had been drinking, he leaped out the main gate and tried to look as casual as possible when passing the guard dogs.
It worked.
Spike entered the doggy door and stole the car keys from the ring. He then hurried outside to the pickup and smashed the rear window with a rock to get in, because he couldn’t reach the key hole. Then he carefully put the keys in the ignition and fired it up. He used a parasol he found on the floor to reach the pedals.
Just then, the farmer and the dogs realized just what was he was doing and came running out to stop him. But they were too late. He was out of there faster than a New Yorker can recite all the digits of pi—but not by much.
He sped down the driveway, squealing around corners. Eventually, he made it to open road. It was then he realized that his plan had a flaw: What was he going to do when he escaped? He had never even gave that a thought.
He thought and thought, and thought some more. He thought until he was in the next state, and then he had it. He was almost totally out out of gas. He pulled up in front of a record shop. Getting out, he met an old blind guy.
Old man,
he said, would you trade a truck for some spinners?
Sure would,
the man said. Spike made the trade then hitch-hiked with a family of hippies. They drove him to a fancy bar where he auditioned and won the place for the bar’s DJ. He set up his spinners that night to entertain the crowd. At about nine he was scratching those discs like you wouldn’t believe.
The next time he came in with some of his favorites and earned over two grand in tips that month. He rented himself an apartment and went back every night to go and spin.
One day the farmer needed to go into town to get a part for his tractor. It was getting to be a long day, so he decided to go to the bar for a drink, but when he came in he saw Spike. The farmer’s lid flipped. He started screaming, YOU EVIL LITT—
BANG! Right in the nards with a frying pan. With Spike being so popular and all, he had gotten used to fans mobbing him. Tonight, he was delighted to see someone else get mobbed for a change. First the mob drank their alcoholic beverages, then they all stumbled into a football pile-up on the squealing man.
The police came and hauled the farmer off to jail for driving without a license plate, everyone shouted, HOORAY!!
and Spike lived happily ever after.
Moral: Keep your chickens in line or you’ll be hit in the crotch with a frying pan.
—Josiah Hutchinson, Brian Zick
Marching Turtles
Once there was a group of marching turtles traveling through the bushes. They’d been doing this for twelve days now, and had yet to reach the other side of the three-foot hedge. One turtle named Josh decided that they needed to liven up the pace and start walking. This startled the others.
Woah!
cried Vern.
Aiyee!
screamed Tortimer.
Like, holy cow, like totally, and um like yeah!
stammered Susy.
Josh paid no attention and kept on walking right out of the hedge. At once, Tortimer screeched, That’s it! I’m tired crawling like this. We’re not called marching turtles for nothing,
and Tortimer started walking.
It turns out the turtles would be reminded why they were stuck in that hedge. Josh and Tortimer took a few more steps, but were caught up in the thorns of the rose covered hedge.
Moral: Look before you run into the rose bush.
—Josiah Hutchinson, Brian Zick
Cocoa the Cheesecake
There once was a talking cheesecake. He liked to say, ‘mom’, even though he didn’t have one. He wished for one desperately, but he never actually had any hope. Until one day when he saw a win a mom poster. It was for the best pie in town. He decided to take a chance and enter, but it wouldn’t be easy. He collected enough soda cans* to get a pie tray and some whipped cream. He topped himself, shoved himself in the tray, and headed for the contest!
In this fictional land, crushed soda cans are a form of currency.
This is going to be good, he thought. But when he was nearing the contest he saw a sign saying, Entrance fee: 10 cans and he had forgotten his wallet. Drat!
he exclaimed and hurried back home to get it. Once he got there, he grabbed his wallet and raced back to the contest just in time to make it in. He chose a place near the end of the table and set himself down in front of a marker reading, #71.
The one to judge which pie was the best was a dog named Fred. Now, Fred hated pies, so he was quite a tasting critic. Fred went down the table, taste-testing every pie and hurling it back up. Then he reached the nameless cheesecake. The dog sniffed it and immediately noticed it smelled different. This doesn’t smell like pie, it’s ... CHEESECAKE!!
he thought, rather loudly. By the look on the dogs face, the cheesecake knew he had made a mistake. The dogs’ favorite food was cheesecake, you see. The dog started to drool, but then he contained himself, tasted a bit, and sighed. Since our hero was late, he was the last in line.
Fred declared him the winner and asked for his name. My ... NAME?!
the cheesecake gasped. Yes, your name.
Fred replied. No one had ever asked him for his name before, and since Fred was beginning to become impatient, he decided to make something up. After several moments where time seemed to tick slower, he yelped, Chocolate Pie.
Well,
replied Fred, You have won the Mom For a Day contest.
Who will she be?
Chocolate Pie asked. Your mom will be Lady Cheesewhipped.
Lady Cheesewhipped entered and Chocolate Pie immediately noticed her beautiful curls. Who won?
she asked. This young lad by the name of Chocolate Pie.
said Fred. Lady Cheesewhipped came up to the cheesecake and asked, My I call you Cocoa?
Sure!
said Cocoa, relieved. Things are going to be great! he thought. A name, a numbered ticket, a mom ... Mom for a day. Thinking this made him feel down. What’s wrong, Cocoa?
asked Lady Cheesewhiped. Well, you’re only my mom for a day,
Cocoa sighed. We can still be friends.
she replied, trying to cheer him up. Yeah,
he smiled and said, I’d like that.
Moral: Friendship can come from unexpected prizes.
—Josiah Hutchinson, Brian Zick
Gangster Dude
In the nineteen-seventies, there was this dude. He liked to say gangsta!
at a time when no one else did, including his best bud Fred, who had an afro. They called themselves the Beverly Big Bellies.
The Beverly Big Bellies liked to ride around on Harleys, but unfortunately could only afford bicycles. All of the other peeps in the hood thought this was something whack! When they came in the garage while wearing their helmets, rocks were pelted at them by the other peeps. What’s with the hat?!
shouted a dude. Piff!
But the rock dents made the helmets look so radical, that the other peeps all went and got themselves some helmets & put rock dents in them! This became the new fad for the eighties.*
Almost all of the 80’s movies we’ve seen have helmets with dents.
Moral: Being stoned isn’t always a bad thing.
—Josiah Hutchinson, Brian Zick
Toilet Tragedy
Once in a time, there was a guy. He liked to eat turkey breast. So, he made a turkey sandwich, stuck it in the toilet, and pulled the handle. It went swirly swirly! The sandwich turned brown. Strangely, the guy had no problem with this. He picked up the sandwich and ate it.
Suddenly, the Great Toilet Fairy appeared out of the toilet and sucked him down it!
The guy is now down in Toilet Fairy Land. This place was very stinky. It was also raining porcelains—which also have an awful odor; he decided to try & climb out, but it was slippery. So, he went to look for another way out, dodging the stinky falling toilets of course. Suddenly a great idea came into his head! He said wootness,
and Mr. Wootness the Toilet Fairy appeared, turned into a toilet, and swallowed him. It was extremely stinky in there, so the guy plugged his nose then He passed out from lack of oxygen. Just then someone dumped a bottle of pepper down their toilet, making Mr. Wootness sneeze! This forced the guy out & caused him to breathe again (which could be good or bad depending on your point of view).
He flew out of the toilet and landed on his bathroom floor! He then vowed never again to use a toilet. He was hungry again, so he made another turkey sandwich and threw it in the sink....
Moral: Don’t eat sandwiches out of the toilet.
—Lisa Fiddes, Josiah Hutchinson, Brian Zick
